On Submission, Part 7: A Man's Understanding

This is part seven in an eight part series on submission...

A Man’s Understanding

“You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.” 1 Peter 3:7

Notice that Peter says to “live” with your wife.

Living With Your Wife
For too many men, life is lived for their career and away from the home. Often we claim to be only “supporting our family,” but seriously, that is a thin excuse that reveals a man’s unwillingness to take responsibility for his family.

A lot of marriages, and this is even the case with marriages that have lasted a long time, are based upon the idea that as long as you don’t interfere with “me doing my thing”, I won’t interfere with “you doing your thing”. Laissez-faire marriage, in other words. Two people living in the same house but living completely separate lives. Such a marriage can never have the kind of depth required of a marriage where the man is “living with” his wife.

The judge of a good marriage is not whether or not you’ve been together a long time; or whether your wife has all the things she wants; or even that you never argue (which is generally a bad sign). The judge of a good marriage is whether or not your family is growing in Christ at the hands of your leadership.

Go back and read that last line again.

• Are you kids humbler than they were a year ago?
• Is your wife more content in her circumstances?
• Are you living within your means and using what you have as stewards of the manifold grace of God?
• Does your family give of itself to those in need?
• Do you worship together regularly?
• Do you study your Bibles individually?
• Is your delight in serving together increasing?
• Is your family closer to God today than they were six months ago?

To “live” with your wife is to be a part of her life, to take responsibility for her soul. Your life, men, is to be a spiritual example for your wife and kids to follow. You are their mentor and tutor. You are the priest in your home.

The difficult thing is that we live in a society that has relegated the “spiritual” aspect of family life to the women. Which is why Bible studies these days are so feminine. You know, lots of discussion and sharing of feelings. (Not that there is not a place for that.) But we need more manly Bible studies.

“What do you mean you don’t believe in the Trinity? Only a fool doesn’t believe in the Trinity?”

“See what God says here? Do that now or drop and give me twenty.”

Obviously, I’m caricaturing. But seriously, do you see what that says about authority? That kind of teaching says God is in charge! Male headship leads families to believe in God.

I’m convinced that Peter doesn’t address the idea of men married to non-believing wives because he can’t imagine a man rightly leading his home without his wife following him. The problem isn’t that your wife won’t follow, it is that you won’t lead!

Men, go read the book of Proverbs and you’ll see what I’m talking about. It’s a dad talking to his son. “Son, see that wicked lady, don’t mess with her.” “Son, you want to get rich, then work hard. Don’t play the lottery.” “You want advice, son, don’t listen to guys your age. Listen to guys who’ve seen life and still glorify God.”

That is male leadership. That is godly leadership. That is the kind of man God has called you to be in your home.

Cultivating Knowledge and Understanding
One of the things every teacher knows is this: you can’t lead further than you’ve been. If you are the spiritual lightweight in your home, it’s time to play catch-up. You need to be taking advantage of every teaching time your church offers. You need to seek out an older, godly man and start asking him questions and advice. You need to be getting books and CDs and using every moment and every resource to put your house in order.

Just like you don’t want your wife to beat you at arm wrestling, don’t let her be the strong one spiritually.

But not only do you have to cultivate knowledge, you need to cultivate the kind of relationship with your family in which you are a trusted source of knowledge. Your knowledge needs to be coupled with understanding.

Don’t assume your wife and kids think and feel the same ways you do. Learn to understand not only what God calls your family to be, but also who they are now. What are your wife’s thoughts, desires, fears, delights? When you begin to do that, you will find that your leadership will be wise and appropriate.

How do you gain that kind of understanding? Obviously it takes time, but let me give you a tip. Ask questions.

I know that sounds weird. I know all about the “I’m not asking for directions” thing, but listen, your wife was given to you to help you. She’s more than willing to share her opinions with you. Right? So ask her. (Unless you aren’t man enough to face the truth. I triple dog dare you to ask her!)

• “Honey, why do you think Johnny beats his head against the wall every time I ask him to do something?”
• “Sweetheart, I need your opinion. Tell me what you think about ___________.”
• “Darling, if you could change one thing about me, what would it be?”
• “Babe, you look upset. Would you like me to do that for you?”

And then respond to her answers:

• “I like that idea. Will you help me put it into practice.”
• “Are you saying that I should _________?” [repeat back in your own words]
• “Would you have a problem if I did it this way?”

You see, that is wisdom. You are recognizing the value of your wife, while at the same time exercising leadership. You are protecting and providing for her in a way that actually includes her in your life.

Men, if you want your wife to follow you, she needs to know you understand her. If she knows that you understand where she is coming from and who she is, she’ll let you lead her anywhere you want to go. She’ll feel represented.

A Most Valuable Asset
Peter wants you to get this, so he adds a couple reminders: she’s weaker, she’s a woman.

Basically, Peter says, she isn’t a man. Don’t treat her like one. When guys lead other guys, they don’t address things like feelings.

“Dude, I’m going to go get a burger. Get in the car.”

You say that to your wife and you’re in for a lecture. “You think I can go out like this? My hair is a mess. I haven’t showered all day. The house is a mess. What about the kids? Leslie has soccer. Joanna has been sick all day.” You get the idea (no offense, ladies).

Ladies, Peter isn’t saying “weaker” as if it’s a bad thing. Peter is saying your feminine. You were made to be attractive to him. You are more sensitive to things. You pick up on stuff your husband might not.

Guys, take advantage of that . Your wife is your most valuable asset? By living with her in an understanding way, you will be honoring her, lifting her up, showing her that she is more than just any woman--she is, after all, your wife.
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In our next and final post, we will examine how honoring our wives can make our marriages into a powerful tool in the hands of God.